I just read what I wrote yesterday, and although of course I saw weak spots and it needs editing, I am pretty pleased. For the first half of a first draft, I think I got what I wanted. I had fully intended to keep going tonight, but instead I want to force myself to slow down, as I think the next section, as well as the transition into it and the conclusion, are where I am most apt to get into trouble in some of of my characteristic ways.
Let me quickly explain where I want to go. Perhaps this is unorthodox (still not down with the blog rules, although with 25 days and counting I feel like I should get some kind of a badge or a pin), but I'd appreciate any advice anyone has as I proceed. You see, I'd like to proceed with caution, for a change. I am, after all, doing this not just to get things done but to get them done better. So. The overarching theme of this piece is the way having children changed my and my husband's roles in our marriage in a major way, toward--for the first time in our long relationship--the traditional. I would like to claim that this is true in many marriages, although I know I have to be careful with this for a number of reasons.
First of all, when I think of the couples I know, there are many who made either an overt or a tacit agreement that this would be so. I know some women who will openly admit to having no professional ambition, and some who do but agreed anyway to take on the burden of childrearing and domestic duties. This was not true for us, and was not true for many other couples I know, and I just can't stop thinking about what is, I know, something of a cliche: the fact that women--in spite of how much they work outside or the home, how much money they earn, their stated desires to the contrary--still end up carrying the bulk of this load on their shoulders. In other words, how traditional gender roles seem to go hand in hand with having kids, in spite of the ways in which the world has changed for women.
Obviously I am going to continue with my own story, using my experience and examples from my own life. I will write honestly about my own frustration with this shift in my marriage, perhaps not irrevocable but in place for the foreseeable future--as well as how unanticipated it was, which surprises me, makes me wonder if this is something women don't like to talk about or something I just hadn't listened to or thought to ask about. But the piece will be strongest if other women see themselves and their own lives in it, and if I can acknowledge my own role in the shift in terms of such things as desire for control, unavoidable advantages in experience and history, the pleasures inherent in the shift, for there are some, as well as the occasional shame that accompanies the pleasures, and on and on.
I know some of you, and some of you reading, don't feel this shift as acutely as I seem to. Some of you do, though, I think, in different ways. It's such a basic topic, really, universal, but complicated too, if I can make it so. I can see how it could be done badly, I can see how I could tackle it badly, and I am hoping that some of you might help me avoid some landmines before I move on, as well as share some thoughts on what your concerns might be or what you'd like to see addressed. Any comments from male readers would be really appreciated too, in light of what I am writing about.
Okay. It's actually not pre-dawn; I am thrilled. Maybe I have time for a few rounds of Scrabulous.
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4 comments:
I think what you are writing about will hit home for a lot of people, but I think what will make it strongest (and you touch on this) is if you acknowledge the role that women (and you) have in taking on a lot of these things. There are some bad reasons women (myself included) do this -- mainly that women who are not really involved in their children's day to day life and do not take every measure to cultivate every talent, desire, interest, not to mention developmental need, think of themselves as bad mothers. This is not necessarily universal -- the intensive parenting is a pretty middle and upper class phenomenon (though it is being pushed on everyone). On the other hand, the idea of men as equal parent in everyway is a pretty new and middle class idea in and of itself. Uh oh. Too much working through my own work in this comment. Keep writing!
I love that you are exploring this and agree with all of the potential reasons why this happens relationship roles once children arrive. I wonder if there is an additional issue - one that crops up in my work at times. I wonder if men (in the presence of women who are a) naturally inclined and b) controlling (I'm guilty!) begin to feel inept at the child rearing business (starting with holding, feeding, diapering, and on and on) and thus turn to work where they can feel more efficacious and worthy. I know this is a big statement, but I've heard it from men and read about it as well. This phenomenon is especially likely when men are in relationships with women who are ambitious and used to being in the seat of control. Please don't take this as an excuse for men - it's not. But I think it is interesting in terms of relational dynamics and I wonder if it is more prevalent than we know (and whether men are even aware of it).
well, there are so many variables. the two personalities/psychologies initially involved, and their own dynamic and trajectory together and also individually (so, for you, think about you and your own ideas/plans/ambitions as you held them in your earlier existence, and also Ben). sorry, this is knotty. I mean how you each built your careers, and your life together, and how you imagined family life. And then the second thing: everything changes when the baby arrives. we think we know how we will feel about x and y but we don't, really. and then there are more factors, such as financial circumstances and which parental possibilities you can explore at all. So: I know women who had to go back to work full-time and support their not-working-at-all artist husbands, who stayed home and took care of the baby resentfully. I know other women who went back to work full-time without much of a hitch, and I know others for whom it just tore at them to be separated from their new babies. I know other women who patched together a freelance part-time work situation, having fully expected to be working full-time but found it impossible to leave their babies and were fortunate to have partners who agreed and who took on more of a financial-support role to make that happen. and etc etc etc. none of this is elegantly put, of course, but hopefully might be of use to you in thinking through your own story. but I guess the one thing I want to say is that I don't think you can speak for all women, because there are just so many different points of view, and it seems like when a woman writes about this (I'm thinking Caitlin Flanagan, for example, or Ayelet Waldman), people inevitably get up in arms.
I really like what you wrote about you and Ben, and I, like Jenny, love that you are exploring this issue, but I think the caution about drawing broader conclusions is warranted.
While having kids may have turned your relationship slightly more towards the traditional, it's done the opposite for me and for many of my female friends who've chosen to stay in the workforce full-time. It does seem like one partner usually scales back, but I don't see it being linked to gender roles as much as to economic earning potential (which is often linked to gender so it can be confusing).
I also think Nicole's point about less-involved moms thinking of themselves as bad mothers is pretty interesting. I don't feel that way, but I think sometimes that other mothers might judge me that way.
And I also wholehearted agree with Jenny's comment. I hear that from guys all the time, and I think it's a genuine feeling, not just a cop-out.
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